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[Jul. 11th, 2008|03:58 am] |
So basically, it's 4 in the morning and I decided to post a livejournal to rant and complain because I can't sleep. Lately, I've been so stressed out and sad and it's all really starting to build up and it's hard for me to deal with it all anymore. There are so many stress factors in my life. For starters, everyday, the only thing I ever talk to my mom about is money. My dad got hurt so he's out of work for a while and that's all I ever hear about. Just money. How are we going to pay this bill and that bill, how we're falling behind on payments, etc. We thought we were going to be able to sue and have lots of money, but we're just much worse off than we were to begin with. Ughh. It's really quite stressing. I've been working at Oheka for nine months and I decided I don't want to work there anymore, for quite a few reasons and my mom tells me that this is the worst time possible for me to quit. And I know it is, but I really just don't want to go to work there anymore. Sooo, that adds more stress. Besides the money, just worrying about my dad is immensely stressful. For the past three weeks, I've been worrying a lot about his face, his eyesight, scarring, etc. Now we found out he might have to get surgery because his eye is drooping or something, I don't even know. He probably won't be able to cry anymore which is stressing because he's going to have to constantly use eye drops and if he doesn't, there could be complications. Quite a few other people in my family are sick and that really adds stress. Boy problems obviously add a whole bunch of stress, I miss him so much, but I'd rather just not get into that. Paying my own bills adds stress, especially since Joey doesn't work, so I need to figure out what I'm doing as far as my cell phone bill. I have personal stress. My body's really messed up and it's causing a lot of problems for me. I'm going to the doctor on Monday for the third time in the past two months. I hate it. More than anything. That also adds to the financial problems, because I have to pay a $20 co-pay every time I go to the doctor, but not only that, I just don't want to have to deal with everything else anymore. On top of all that, I've been thinking about my grandma a lot lately. I'm turning 19 in a little over a month. It's going to be my first birthday without her and it really hurts. I don't know why I've been thinking about her so much lately. I guess everything would be just a little easier with her still here. I miss her so much. I've just had so much on my mind lately and I don't know how to deal with it. The girls in my family already get really nervous easily. My mom, Aunt Nancy and I were talking about it today. I know I always stress myself out over even the smallest, most insignificant things. I can't sleep at night because there's so much going through my head. I try my best to clear my mind and just count until I fall asleep but I literally ended up counting to 1,000 tonight and I couldn't sleep. I just started crying. Lately, I haven't wanted to do much or go out or anything. I just stay home. I've been eating a lot, I need to work out because I feel like I've gained a million pounds.
Wah wah wah. I just really needed to vent. =\ I wish I was even a little sleepy. |
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[Jul. 10th, 2008|10:35 pm] |
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So, I went to visit my Aunt Nancy today; my grandma's sister. She's the closest thing to my grandma, they're so alike it's scary. They have really similar voices, they use the same terms it's crazy. She's 73 though, and it worries me because almost all of my grandmas sisters have already died and she's the last one who's close with my family. It makes me miss my grandma so much, it's hard to believe it's been about nine months since she died. I feel like it hasn't been that long since she's been gone, but at the same time it feels like forever, it's hard to explain. Just seeing my great aunt today made me think a lot about my grandma. =[ |
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[May. 4th, 2008|09:00 pm] |
Florida was so good. The town in Tampa is so cute. Brenda and I fucking rule at life. :]<3 Bahaha.
The beach was so nice, the water was so clear. I got burnt to a crisp, haha.
Buttt I had a lot of fun<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|07:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
lsfjakljf.
Soo excited to be on vacation in two weeks with Brenda. Best friend and beaches<3. Hot weather and no drama. I can't wait. :D Be jealousss. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|09:26 pm] |
Okayy, sooo...from now until the end of the summer, I want to accomplish:
1. Going to the zoo
2. Going to the circus
3. Going to Elans cabin
4. Going to Medieval Times
5. Going camping
6. Going to Six Flags
7. Going fishing
8. Having a picnic.
9. Mets gamesss.
10. Idk what else. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|12:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I'm finally in a good mood today. The Met game was really good. Plus, working out and dieting has got me back to a weight that I'm happy with and I plan to keep that going. Brenda and Tony are coming home this weekend. <3 My goal is to not cry at all tonight. So far, I'm doing really well. :] |
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[Apr. 16th, 2008|02:20 am] |
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I've never been hurt this bad before. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|08:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Disturbia | ] |
I feel like I need to vent right now. My life is going really well. I have great friends and that's always been the most important thing to me. I feel like my life, though is just quite boring. I want to go back to school really badly, but really far away. I feel like I need to get off of Long Island and out of even New York to break away from all the stress and drama I associate with in my life. I feel that's the only way I could be happy for now, but at the same time, I miss all of my friends as it is and if I moved far out of state like I'd love to, I'd probably never see them anymore and that wouldn't make me happy at all. I feel like I just need a big change in my life. The only things I want to escape are my mom and memories of Mike. Honestly, it isn't fair. I should be the one who doesn't love him anymore, considering I did everything in the relationship and he just sat back and took advantage of me for months. Whatever, everything happens for a reason and I know I'll get over it, but that doesn't make it hurt less right now. I'm sure one day he'll look back and regret letting me go. |
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bdddri's journal
